This is absolutely not healthy.

I'm not stressed. It's simply that the sword of Damocles hangs over my head eternally, but instead of it being imposed by my responsibilities or by superiors, it's by myself and my failure to become who I want.

I'm not depressed. It's just that if you had to ask me to recall everything that I had done today and whether any of it was valuable, it is all forgettable. None of it is important.

I'm not lonely. I just am scared of trying to pull other people into my world, because nobody ever tries to pull me into theirs, and it feels exhausting to convince myself again and again that I haven't been forgotten. It's evolved from me thinking that I would be a burden on others, to me trying to reach out to other people being a burden on myself. It's not any individual in particular, I just slowly lost my grip on connecting with people before eventually I completely let it all slip.

I really shouldn't have written this post, and I shouldn't have published this online, but I don't feel comfortable enough anymore to tell someone about this, and writing in my journal just feels like a pacifying move. I don't want peace. I want to lash out and be rebellious, only to regret it in the morning, and smile knowingly at myself a month later, thinking how silly I was again for having a breakdown. Even though I know that I'll be fine in the future, however, it doesn't mean that I should stop writing this and go back to bed.

If you have feelings, they should be honoured instead of suppressing them. I'm silly for writing this all for the Internet to bear witness to, but I'd rather write this than pretend everything is fine. I'd rather cry about something stupid and bawl my tears out, talking about how two characters from some story are so precious than just wearing an emotionless face at work to talk about the quarterly report.

I can't write to anyone. I don't know if it's because I'm too fragile and afraid of the pushback that others would give to me, or if it's because I worry that my presence would make others feel burdened with something that I never had to give them. I never asked for their permission, and yet they unknowingly signed the contract to say that "I'm willing to hear you out" because it's the silent contract that we sign as friends. If we didn't say that, we'd come off as rude and petty, but in that case, what's the truth when the same "I'm sorry to hear that" is hidden in a haze blended with sincerity and etiquette?

Writing this blog post is the only place that I feel like I can push myself to express these thoughts this way. People will only come to read this because they opted in and do it out of their own volition. It's because it's inherently performative, so nobody will bat an eye when I write something dramatic or outlandish. The public nature of this, something intended for people to come across and read, is what lets me avoid the question of whether I'm doing this for attention or not, and I can avoid confronting the two fragile egos in my head, one scared of becoming a narcissist, and one delusional of themselves. Are they the same person? I don't feel strong enough to answer that question yet.

These are all nothing words. I can't possibly tell you what's going through my mind, because I don't want to reveal personal details about my life on this blog, but funnily, that isn't even the barrier for today. The real reason that all of this is abstract?

I don't even know what's wrong with me today. This week. I just know that when I wake up early in the morning, it has become completely separate from getting out of bed and being a responsible human being.

Sometimes I sound so rash, and I know that the future version of me reading this back will think that I'm either naïve or sad, but at the moment, I don't have any other thoughts. I just hope that she's doing stronger than I am at the moment.

I end this post with two songs on my mind right now. They're not bashing around in my head like earworms, they just sit in the bottom of my heart like ships in an empty bottle. One's how I'm doing, and one's how I'm feeling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CvRQk8msX0

[My motivation has taken such a heavy hit for creating art, even though I had so many ideas, and I was doing so well before.]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ish9foFjU0

[An encore that will never come. I usually listen to the original version of this, sung by Ikura of YOASOBI, but there's something sadder about this cover. Hatsune Miku's synthetic voice adds to the feeling that humanity will be over, and maybe it's that same feeling from Porter Robinson's Goodbye to a World. All that I know is that the heavens gave a decree, and there's no more tomorrow.]

I'm sorry that I lost who I am, and I wish that I could feel happier. Good night. Hopefully, I'll write about something less depressing.